A: Once, my friends were getting high. After that we got hungry so we decided to drive to McDonald’s and he was driving at 60km/h and he was going all , “This feels so fast…”
K: What did he take?
M: Not speed, apparently.
Back To Top
My URL is an anagram to my name.
saki hana aina or 咲き 花 愛菜 in Japanese.
Which literally means blooming flower, green(vege) lover. It’s not a typo.
saki hana aina or 咲き 花 愛菜 in Japanese.
Which literally means blooming flower, green(vege) lover. It’s not a typo.
Honestly, I’m a live in the present, bask in the moment kind of person. I have no idea where I’d like to be in 10 years or heck if I will even still be alive in 10 years.
But somehow, I would picture myself living in my home country, in the suburbs. Near the people I love the most. And even though I realize that circumstances change, I’d like to believe that time will only make the relationship with the people I love stronger, better, more mature.
Well, in the end, if I could choose, I’d like to be near the people I care about the most, the people I love the most, wherever in the world that might be.
The world is my playground and I’m not afraid to go where life takes me.
Single for almost 3 weeks now.
Surprisingly, I feel much better than I ever did before. I got rid of someone who really dragged me down, someone that made me so tired, beat me to the ground. I loved him very much but being with him made me so tired, like literally taking care of a big baby.
Spring is here and I’m having parties, hanging out with my friends and just enjoying every bit of joy that comes my way. I’m free to be with who I want to be, flirt with who I want to flirt and enjoy all the eye candy I could catch a glimpse on!
I have to admit Japanese boys are so cute, but that’s the problem. They’re boys. And as long as I’m here, I will always be having crushes on these cute boys but I’m not sure I want to get involved with one anymore.
Having no one to answer to has been great. And when it gets lonely, just call up someone who’s feeling the same way and do something fun.
I thought I would be lonely and sappy but that’s not the case at all.
I feel great, confident and ready to let the right person come into my life when the right time comes.
And I’m having the hardest time pretending like it’s easy when everything that meant something to me began here, in this house, where I’m sitting. And every corner is a memory of his childishness, silliness, conservatism, his scent, his color, his everything that I love.
It proved me impossible to be with him. I had gotten so physically ill, to the point that I didn’t know was possible within me. His childishness sometimes prove to be his strong point, but most times his biggest flaw. I am much too tired to be taking care of a baby that is not even mine. Even though I genuinely care for his well being, even though I had began to fantasize our future, our hopes and dreams together, I’ve come to a point where I have to let go of what I can’t change.
I would have done everything in my power to make him happy, and even after everything I’ve done, he runs away like an idiot at every confrontation.
And the worst part is realizing that I love him so much. so much that I’m willing to forgive everything he does, hide how unhappy I am, just to stay by his side.
But that’s not right.
He chooses himself, therefore I too, shall choose myself.
Cutting all ties to save myself is harder for me.
But I have to do it anyway
After long analyzing the history of our past relationships, our family relationships and our current relationship, also factoring in the natural instinct of a man to be polygamous, I have come to realize that it’s impossible that we proceed without this triangle.
What really pisses me off is that I put the offer on the table to both parties, yet I was refused by both. I had foreseen the problem long before they did and now when everyone is hurt, still we are debating over so called happiness. We’re all miserable, and we’re controlled by emotions and it’s too late to turn back.
I’m tired of dealing with children that can’t comprehend the needs of others. I’m a kid, but they are babies. A triangle would have worked in my favor anyway, at the end of the day, I get to get out of marriage without regrets. After all, I see no potential in him compromising to the only One I refuse to remove from my life. Every other single important people were of course, at the top of my mind, but I wouldn’t not be able to be separated from them. My only condition was that I cannot bite the hand that feeds me. I will not give up the only One that has been there each and every time I reach out to him especially not for someone who does not acknowledge this Almighty.
And even though I understand this strong feelings I bear, every time I think about this war, the pain, the end which is coming, it gets harder to let go. Enough that I become possessive, so much that I don’t care about anything anymore.
There is much to consider. He’s starting to change, and I feel more compelled to stay by his side and support him by little. He may be a stubborn hard rock, but I feel like the flowing river and his shape is starting to change. And the flow is harmonizing with the new paths it makes. I am starting to change, sometimes worse but some other times, better.
I could stay and the path would be hard and rocky, or I could leave into uncertainty. Either way, finding out what’s in my heart is harder than I thought it’d be.
family member: how’s school?
me: good.
family member: are you dating anyone?
me: no.
family member: what have you been up to?
me: nothing.
family member: how come you’re always on your phone?
me: *keeps texting*
family member: do you want something to eat?
me: YES PLEASE OMFG I’M SO HUNGRY YES YES YES YES.
(Source: pitchblackglow)
The cloudiness in my heart , I couldn’t tell if it was because of the strains of cultural differences or because I question my capabilities to trust him. Either way, I realize that somewhere, I no longer have any interest in the term forever.
I don’t give a fuck anymore about what he wants to do, if he feels happy to go around as he is, then it is none of my business. I’m tired of questioning whether I had asked for the impossible. Perhaps it was the nature of our relationship that would never free me from my doubts towards him.
I’ve come to recognize his good points, his capabilities but at the same time his habits, his flaws, his needs which do not coincide with mine. Love by itself is not enough. Perhaps my thoughts of an ideal relationship are much far too different from his.
No, I do not ask for perfection, nor do I feel the need to control, rather I have set the boundaries, I draw the line where I see fit and I expect the both of us to be responsible for the consequences of the actions we take.
I feel that I have given too much and received so little in return, and I’m tired. Again, I don’t expect perfection, nor to be spoiled, and I have given enough room for mistakes yet what I would consider common sense perhaps is not for him. That in itself is enough to make me reconsider my willingness to deal through this hardship.
